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Tales from the Tail: Who Doesn’t Love to Get Their Ass Eaten?

May 07, 2019 by Dr. Evan Goldstein

Client’s Tale

Who doesn’t love to get their ass eaten? I can surely say I do. I mean, I really do. It is like a total fucking must for me. If you want to even think about sticking whatever dick into me, first things first. Actually, the truth is that I get fucked more for my partner’s pleasure than for my own, since I can honestly say I have never been able to reach full orgasm with that thing in me. It feels beyond amazing. Hell yeah! But the cum shots are lacking. I know, I know. You’re reading this and saying, “Oh, let me at ’em. I bet I’ll make this little man cum! OK. Game on. Meet me at the In-n-Out on Gayley tomorrow night at 7. I’ll be ass up in the men’s bathroom and let’s give it whirl!”

Haha. I’m totally kidding. Maybe.

But seriously, over the past three months, no matter what happens, the lickin or the fuckin and in whichever order, I had to stop ✋. I seem to have developed these annoying cuts on my rim. I took a selfie and, first off, do you know how hard it is to take a fucking selfie of your asshole? Jesus! I almost broke a rib doing it. But from what I can see, it’s not like fully in my ass or what some define as a tear. It’s these small, but annoying slits on my slit. Jesus fucking Christ. I have tried it all. Stopped wipes, switched lubes, even bought a different toy to see if it was the latex I was using. Nothing came even close to resolving them. Finally, 4 weeks in, I gave up and went to see my primary doc. We started the usual steroid lotions and no improvement. Still no ass for me. A few emails later and some blood work, still nothing. You name it, I tried it. Oh, and I did give topping a try in the meantime, but I realized that’s something I can’t get behind (pun intended). Haha.

So I Googled and Googled and finally stumbled upon Dr. Goldstein. I popped into the Bespoke Surgical office and I couldn’t believe it, but my primary care had been testing me for STDs incorrectly for years. Swabs? None. I was shocked. We finally did an anal swab and it came back positive for Herpes Simplex Virus type-1. I could have sworn that was only an oral thing and then I had an epiphany, get eaten out by someone’s oral cavity very frequently. And then 💥! The connection was made. I went on both oral and local creams and viola! Those fuckers were gone. However, my story is not over.

They kept coming back and finally we said fuck it and now I take Valtrex daily as prevention. I can safely say, it is a new anal dawn. I am getting licked more than ever and trust me, I can cum all over your face if you want.

Oh, and I am still up for that challenge. See you at In-n-Out. I will be waiting. 😉

My Discussion

In case you haven’t heard yet, there were 1,105 herpes cases reported in the Coachella Valley area and in the nearby cities of Los Angeles and San Diego, right after the Coachella music festival. The number is a record for HerpAlert, which was reported by the New York Post.

Most humans do, at some point, contract the Herpes Simplex Virus (HSV). About 67% of the world population under the age of 50 has HSV-1 and in the United States, more than one-in-six people have HSV-2. It is one of the most common sexually transmitted diseases and one may never actually develop any symptoms. But most people think that genital herpes has to be type-2 and that’s truly a farce, specifically for us ass eating homos.

Makes sense, right? We lick away and sometimes have cold sores develop in or around our mouths. Flip that and the same can be said for the development of ulcerations down below. A hole is a hole or a lip is a part of a hole. You know what I mean. It don’t discriminate. And I do believe, even in our community, it is even more prevalent (read: common) than reported.

So it brings us to our regular suggestion: we should be taking ownership of our own asshole. This means that we must make sure that, when you are tested for STDs, we are not only getting blood drawn, but also urine samples should be taken, along with swabbing both orally and anally. Demand it from your doctor or do it yourself now with mail-in test kits. Unfortunately, as you read above, most doctors actually do not swab for Herpes, since it is fairly commonplace and practitioners only truly treat it when one has symptoms. However, in this case, my client did painful, small ulcerations on the outside rim that limited any anal play. If one did blood work only, it would not truly reflect what is locally going on. I see it time and time again, if you suck, lick, or fuck, the problems will be, for the most part, isolated to those regions. So if you do not swab routinely, you may be missing quite a few positive STDs.

Now, with one breakout, we treat with oral medications and then it’s done. But with recurring local issues (this means more than two to three times), specifically, if it takes you out of your bottoming game, I would suggest suppressive treatment. That once a day Valtrex is an easy way to prevent a painful asshole. Long term suppression is beyond helpful and should totally be thought of even with HSV-1. Like PrEP, Valtrex is completely tolerable and I support its use when indicated.

As an aside: the higher than usual incidence at Coachella seems to be linked back to many people refilling their old prescriptions, along with some obvious new cases. With that said, one can also do the party dosing of Valtrex when you know you may be in contact with more than your normal amount of partners, such as festivals or parties. So that’s another option one can have as a risk reduction tool.

My philosophy is: lick away! But also know that it comes with risks for all parties involved. The key is education as it surrounds these issues and also, once again, taking upon yourself and us as a community at large to make sure we all take ownership of our own bottoms (and mouths and anything else we use for sexual engagement). Oh yeah, and don’t pass around your Juul at festivals either, that can be the culprit as well. Don’t always blame the asshole!

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About the Author

Dr. Evan Goldstein is the Founder and CEO of Bespoke Surgical. Dr. Goldstein has extensive experience educating and shedding light on health care issues relating to the gay community, and has been published in several national publications including The Advocate, OUT Magazine, Vice, Refinery 29, NY Mag and more.

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